Searching for Neverland Read online

  But for as much time as we’d spent together, we had barely touched in two weeks. It was almost as if we were both overly cautious of getting too close, so we maintained our distance. And the flirting we usually did so easily had pretty much ceased, and I really missed it, because even before all the drama between us, it was what made my friendship with Josh fun.

  So him being in my bed, wishing me happy birthday, with his lips at my ear when I really wanted them on my lips and other unmentionable parts of my body set my blood on fire.

  I sat up to look at him and Allison who were both grinning stupidly at me, and good Lord, Josh was shirtless. Was he trying to kill me?

  “It’s your birthday,” Allison cheered, jostling me as she danced on her knees. “What do you want to do today?”

  “Wallow,” I said miserably, leaning my head back against my headboard. “I’m old.”

  I was old and undesirable. Sure, Alex wanted my body, and that was fine, but it wasn’t enough. And he wasn’t Josh. When they’d switched places in my mind I wasn’t sure, but I was ashamed to admit that I’d slept with Alex a few times in the past two weeks just to get Josh out of my head.

  Unfortunately, I’d felt Josh’s size when we’d been making out, and Alex’s minuscule dick was nowhere near what I craved. But, thankfully he more than made up for it with his tongue, and it was easy enough for me to close my eyes and pretend it was Josh’s mouth on me instead.

  Okay, fine, I was sick and pathetic.

  And old.

  “You’re not old, Tay,” Josh insisted. “Hell, I’ve got two years on you.”

  Allison shook her head at her brother, silently letting him know that it wasn’t okay to say things like that. Everyone knew women got old and haggard while men got older and distinguished. There was a specific difference.

  “Let’s go to breakfast and go shopping and then have dinner some place fabulous,” Allison suggested exuberantly, bouncing again.

  “Al, quit shaking the bed,” Josh said firmly. Allison stopped moving.

  “I’ll do dinner,” I told her, “but I’m serious, I just want to stay in bed and watch movies and eat chocolate today. If you let me do that, I’ll go out tonight.”

  “Seriously?” Allison asked, her face falling.

  “Seriously,” I said, as I reached for my remote and turned on the TV.

  “Alright, Tay,” Josh said. “We’ll give you your space, but tonight you’re ours.”

  I wish I was yours.

  “Fine. Just close the door on your way out.”

  “Love you,” Allison said, as she hoped off the bed.

  “Love you,” Josh echoed, and he leaned down and kissed my temple, his lips lingering there for a few beats longer than was friendly.

  I watched him leave the room, wondering if he’d done that intentionally, and as he reached the door, he turned, winked at me and grinned.

  “I have a feeling you’re going to have a really good birthday, Taylor,” he said, and then he closed the door.

  And I was left feeling thoroughly confused.

  * * *

  “Happy birthday, babe,” Alex said when he called me late in the day.

  “Hey,” I said glumly, my mood having failed to improve at all. Alex didn’t seem to pick up on it.

  “So can I take my girl out to dinner?”

  “Huh?”

  “It’s your birthday, I want to take you out tonight,” Alex said, as if it was obvious.

  Since when was I ‘his girl’?

  “I sort of have plans with Allison and Josh,” I said, looking at my alarm clock. I needed to get in the shower.

  “Cancel with them. Let me take you out,” he insisted, and I wondered when he’d become so needy. He sounded like he would be upset if told him no.

  “Alex, I can’t do that. They’re my best friends.”

  “Come on, Tay. Please. I actually need to talk to you about something.”

  Just then, Allison knocked on my door. She opened it, and the remorseful look on her face caught me by surprise.

  “Hang on, Alex. What’s wrong?”

  She bit her lip. “Corey’s in the emergency room.” My eyes went wide, and she shook her head. “He’s fine. He just broke his ankle sliding at practice today.” She rolled her eyes. “I guess he was showing off for the kids, and it backfired, so I have to go to the hospital.”

  “So you can’t go to dinner.”

  She shook her head. “I’m sorry, Tay. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

  “It’s fine. I’ll just go out with Josh.”

  Talk about awkward.

  She bit her lip again. “He had to go into work. They had a few callouts tonight, so he’s going to be tied up there for a while, but he said to come in later, and he’ll buy you birthday drinks.”

  “Do I need to go in and help him?”

  I was a little ticked off that he hadn’t asked me to go into work. I would have done it. We were partners. He didn’t need to shoulder the entire burden of the bar like he had for so long.

  Allison shook her head. “He didn’t want you to miss celebrating your birthday.”

  How thoughtful of him.

  Well, this was turning out to be a bust of a birthday. And I’d actually worked myself up to being somewhat excited about going out to dinner with my best friends. And now I’d be alone on my worst birthday to date. Fantastic.

  Then I remembered Alex on the phone.

  “Okay,” I said brightly to Allison so she didn’t feel bad. “Let’s do dinner tomorrow.”

  “Great,” she said cheerfully.

  “Tell Corey I hope he feels better.”

  “I will.”

  When she was gone, I picked my phone back up. “Pick me up in an hour,” I told Alex.

  “Love to,” he said eagerly.

  * * *

  Alex took a deep breath, as if bracing himself. “I think I want to get serious with you,” he said, and my fork dropped out of my hand, as I tried to figure out if I’d heard him correctly.

  “Excuse me?”

  Alex cleared his throat. “Taylor, I didn’t realize how much I missed you until recently, and we’ve been having a lot of fun together. I think I want to be with you – just you.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “What about all that wanting to be casual shit and waiting five years to put a ring on my finger?”

  He took a deep breath. “I was scared of settling down, but I realized that I don’t want to lose you, and if that means taking a chance, then I’m willing to do that.”

  Okay, so it wasn’t the greatest proclamation of love, but Alex was suddenly telling me what I’d been waiting since college to hear. And all I could think about was Josh – a guy who wasn’t interested in me and had a girlfriend. If that wasn’t messed up, I didn’t know what was. And ironically enough, had Alex said those things to me just a few weeks earlier, I never would have realized my feelings for Josh.

  That was fucked up.

  “I need to go to the bathroom,” I said, violently pushing my chair back and practically knocking it over in my haste to get away from the table.

  I burst through the bathroom door and stopped short when two girls around my age looked up in surprise. They only glanced at me for a few seconds before going back to their conversation as I slipped into the handicapped stall. I stopped in front of the sink, put my hands on either side of the basin for support and looked into the mirror.

  I had panic written all over my face. And that wasn’t good.

  A few deep breaths in and out helped calm me just a touch, but my heart wouldn’t stop pounding. And it hurt just a little. Why was it that the guy I wanted never wanted me when I wanted him?

  I stood up and smoothed down my dress, buying time and bracing myself before I went back to the table. I had no idea what I was going to tell Alex.

  Chapter 13

  “Thanks for coming with me,” I told Alex as we walked up the path to O’Donnell’s.

  When I’d
gotten back to the table, I’d put on my best smile and told him I wanted to think about what he was offering. He didn’t question me, most likely because he knew I felt burned by him, and he was more than willing to give me the time I needed. And I really did need it.

  Because before I committed to Alex, I had to know that Josh really wasn’t available to me. Something in his expression when he’d left my room that morning had me wondering what if, and this time, I wasn’t going to hold back. I was going to come clean about my feelings for him and hope for the best. And probably curl up in a ball and be depressed for a week if he rejected me, but no matter, I was going to take a chance, because it was my birthday, and it was what I wanted to do.

  And when Alex suggested going to O’Donnell’s, so I could meet up with Josh for a birthday drink, I figured I’d capitalize on the opportunity. Call me shameless if you must, but in that moment, it was what I needed to do.

  My plan was not ironed out at all, but I figured I could start by letting Josh know that Alex wanted me back, and based on his reaction, I’d know how to approach the whole, ‘I’m in love with you declaration’.

  It wasn’t exactly full-proof.

  I should have known something was up when I didn’t hear any music coming from the pub, but I just wasn’t thinking. And when I opened the door to complete darkness and no sound, my first thought was not that my friends were throwing me a surprise party, but that the place was closed and Josh had lied about going into work. And then I panicked as to why it might be closed and I, the part-owner, wasn’t looped in.

  I started to close the door but then a single spotlight lit up the middle of the bar and Josh stepped into it. I narrowed my eyes in confusion as Alex pushed me through the door. Then the music started, and my jaw dropped and my eyes got really wide. And then four more spotlights lit up on either side of Josh, who was tapping his foot in time with the beat.

  There, standing on the bar, was Corey, who did not have any traces of a broken ankle, Bryce, Kyle, and Sean. They all started tapping their feet, and then Josh started singing, and then they all joined in and started dancing. And I realized they were doing a choreographed dance, on top of the bar, to What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction, and I almost lost my shit right there in the middle of O’Donnell’s.

  I covered my mouth, not sure if it was okay to laugh, because they all looked so serious, as they tried to mimic each other’s motions, keep time with the music, and remember the lyrics. And not all of them could dance, which made the whole show that much more comical.

  I didn’t think I could laugh any harder until Josh jumped off the bar and the house lights came on, and all around were my friends, who were watching the guys and laughing just as hard as I was. And I think I finally realized that Allison’s excuse and Josh’s having to work had been lies. And they’d been planning a surprise party for me all along.

  In front of me, Josh stopped and continued to sing, as he grabbed me by the waist and pulled me to him. “Happy birthday, Tay,” he said breathlessly and grinned.

  And it was then that I remembered what he’d said the night he’d first kissed me, when that song had been playing. He’d said it reminded him of me. And I suddenly didn’t want to let him go. I wanted to wrap my arms around him tell him everything I was feeling for him in that exact moment. But I knew he had to finish his performance.

  After a few seconds, he released me and danced back up to the bar where he rejoined his friends who were wrapping up the song.

  They finished in a flourish to massive applause and whistles.

  Josh grinned at me. “Happy birthday to one of the most beautiful people I know. We love you, Taylor,” he shouted, and everyone around the bar yelled ‘Happy birthday!”

  Then I was surrounded and hugged from every angle, as everyone I knew, including my brother, Trey, who’d driven down from Gainesville, wished me happy birthday. And before I knew it, my shittiest birthday turned out to be not so bad after all.

  In fact, it was pretty awesome.

  “Were you in on this?” I asked Alex, who had stayed by my side the whole time I was smothered by my loved ones.

  He smiled. “I was. Allison called me today.”

  “Thank you,” I said, as I wrapped my arms around his neck and squeezed him close. Maybe he was the guy I should be with. And then I saw Josh behind the bar and though, maybe not.

  “Let me get you a drink,” Alex suggested, and I nodded. I could use a drink.

  “For you,” a voice said from behind me as a bright green drink was pushed in front of my face just as Alex was walking away.

  I spun around to see Josh standing there, a smirking grin on his face. I fought the urge to wrap my arms around his neck. “You are insane and amazing, and . . . thank you.”

  Yeah, I’d almost told him I loved him, but I pulled back at the last minute. I wasn’t sure I could say it without him realizing how I felt. It would no longer sound like friendship love anymore, because it simply wasn’t.

  “You’re welcome,” he said, leaning against the table behind him as I took the drink from his hand.

  I took a liberal sip. “Mmm, what is this?” I asked, looking up at him expectantly.

  “A Taylor.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “It’s a new drink. I’m calling it The Taylor.”

  “What’s in it?”

  He winked at me. “Things I know you love that will get you nice and drunk.”

  I smiled. “Just how I like to spend my birthday – drunk and blissfully out of it.”

  “That drink will do just that.”

  “And that’s why I love you.”

  Oops.

  Josh didn’t seem to read into my verbal slip. Thank God.

  “So you liked the performance?”

  I grinned. “J, I loved it. You guys are the best.”

  “You’re our favorite birthday girl, so we went all out.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “No way that’s true. How much did you have to pay them to participate?”

  “A hundred buck each,” Josh said guiltily.

  I shook my head. “You’re nuts.”

  He shrugged. “You’re worth it.”

  Oh, how I wish that was true.

  “This is really too much,” I told him. “You didn’t have to do all this for me.”

  “Yeah, I did,” he said matter-of-factly. “Are you having fun?”

  “Yeah, absolutely,” I said, moving in time with the loud music pumping from overhead. “You?”

  He nodded.

  “So, where’s Kimmy?” I asked, for the sole reason of being polite to my friend who’d just made an ass of himself in front of all our friends just for me. And I kind of needed to know if she was there before I made my bold move.

  “She’s around somewhere,” he said, but he didn’t seem all that interested in locating her.

  Very interesting.

  Then arms wrapped around my waist and reminded me that Josh and I weren’t alone. I could smell Alex’s cologne to know it was him. “You snakin’ my girl, Nolan?”

  Josh looked up at him in surprise. “You’re staking a claim?”

  Okay, this just got interesting.

  “Maybe. If she’ll have me,” Alex said curtly, and I wanted to smack him.

  Josh just raised his eyebrows at me, but I didn’t respond to the hidden question I saw there. As if I would answer it in front of Alex. He looked back and forth between Alex and me, but I wasn’t giving anything up, and Alex was just gripping me tighter.

  “I’ll catch you later,” Josh finally said, as he pushed off the table and took long strides away from us before I could open my mouth to tell him to stay.

  I turned in Alex’s arms, and he started kissing me before I could say anything, suffocating me as he captured my lips with his.

  “Can we sneak back to your place,” he murmured against my lips. “I want to be alone with you.”

  “No, it’s my party,” I said as sweetly as I could, but quit
e honestly, the fact that he was asking sort of pissed me off.

  “I’ll be quick,” he promised, pressing his body against mine so I could feel his tiny erection.

  “No,” I said firmly, pulling back from him, wondering why he couldn’t control himself. He was like a horny teenager. “Besides, I can’t. Not this week.”

  It was that time of the month, so he wasn’t getting anywhere near that part of my body.

  “Oh,” he said, sounding crestfallen, and I suddenly felt bad for being so direct. He had done a really sweet thing for me, on my birthday, no less, and he’d professed his feelings. I should have probably cut him some slack.

  “But,” I said, pressing my body against the small bulge in his pants. “There are other things I can do.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  I moved again him just enough to tease him, but I knew he liked it.

  “Absolutely. But later.”

  “Later?” he asked, sounding irritated.

  “Yes, later,” I said firmly. He was starting to press his luck, so my ‘later’ was laced with ‘and only if you don’t turn into a selfish prick’.

  I was not going to cave and leave my own birthday party to give him a blow job. He could be patient, or he could sneak into the men’s room and jerk one out if he was really that desperate to get off. But if he truly loved me, like he’d alluded to, he would respect my wishes and wait until later.

  “Fine,” he said, grabbing his beer and taking a big swig, obviously irritated with me.

  “What is your problem, Alex?”

  He glanced over my shoulder for a few beats and then focused his attention back on me. “Nothing. I’m fine.”

  “Bullshit, you’re not fine. What’s your deal?” I asked, thinking he’d better not say a word about me telling him to wait. I was not a sex toy, nor would I ever be, and it was my goddamn birthday.

  “Forget it,” he said, and stalked off, leaving me standing there open-mouthed.

  Tiny-dicked asshole.